However women aren’t as clever as you thought if you assume that men don’t know you’re lying about your number. If we accept your answer we’re playing dumb because we don’t want to hurt your feelings.

• The literal truth. This, of course, requires the kind of moral courage that’s utterly lacking in the modern skank. She often disguises it (even to herself), though, behind a veneer of self-indulgent feminist tripe.

• A variant of “That’s none of your business.” This *is* an acceptable answer to a one-night stand, hook-up, date, fuck buddy/friend with benefits, or even early-stage-of-relationship boy or girlfriend, but becomes progressively less so as you acknowledge your love and respect for that person. Anyone with whom you’re considering a permanent relationship has the *fundamental* right to this information, as it helps them make an informed choice about the person with whom they’re considering a serious commitment. Any prevarication means that, like it or not, admit it or not, your love is based in some measure on a lie, and is thus tainted at best and more likely poisoned.

• Something evasive like, “I don’t discuss my past” or “I don’t inquire as to your sexual history and I’d appreciate if you afforded me the same courtesy.” This response, while also a fairly legitimate and reasonably justifiable one (as well as especially effective if you both have something to hide), of course, is often given by a woman who’s feigning principles but is in actuality concealing a number that in retrospect appalls even her.

• The warning, “You don’t want to know. No … REALLY … YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW.” If the spouse/fiance(e) accepts this, all well and good. Fair play. It’s a legitimate and valid reply—especially if you believe (read that *know*) the answer would upset your other half. If, however, he or she persists, and you’re in a relationship which necessitates complete honesty and total disclosure, as a union sanctioned by God unquestionably does, well … you should come clean, no pun intended.

• The entirely undiluted truth, which includes both numbers *and* whatever specifics are required by the significant other. [Yes, this includes complete candor in reply to such questions as, "Was anyone bigger/tighter than me?" "Did you bed down with him/her in a matter of days or even hours because he/she was so hot, even though you made me wait a month-and-a-half?" "Did she/he make you cum harder than I do?"] These things cannot be unsaid, of course … but pretending that your past can be undone by ignoring or lying about it is indicative of an emotional immaturity and inability to deal with reality as it is, rather than pulling a DJ and spin-doctoring your way out of it.