Diva's Corner

How To Have Phone Sex

I used to think phone sex was something that was only done by women whose baby daddies were locked up or for people who really couldn’t get sex in real life due to excessive bustedness, or those who were too full of shit to actually make it happen. I mean seriously; why the fuck would […]

phone_sexI used to think phone sex was something that was only done by women whose baby daddies were locked up or for people who really couldn’t get sex in real life due to excessive bustedness, or those who were too full of shit to actually make it happen. I mean seriously; why the fuck would I be on the phone pretending to be getting off when I could just as easily call the next dude to come over and handle his business? I just didn’t get it until something happened that made me flip my own script BIG TIME.

The other night I had phone sex. I mean straight crazy, ridiculous phone sex with a complete stranger. Ok, so he was not a “complete” stranger; but I didn’t know what he looked like or his last name. I didn’t really know shit about him nor did I care. We were talking…vibe-ing, as he put it, and one thing led to another. I actually thought we were ending the conversation and that I was going to bed when he just came straight out and demanded that I started playing with myself. Damn I thought: “I don’t know this cat, I’m tired, and I really shouldn’t, but fuck it!” I’m going to just see where this goes. Worst-case scenario, I’ll use my toys, get off and cum my way into la- la land.

I started off by pulling “something” out of my night table (every day either starts or ends that way.) He wanted to hear it, so I let him hear it. I let my favorite toy vibrate on the receiver of the phone for a second and then I put it back where it worked best- between my legs. He wanted to know what I was doing, so I told him. He wanted to know how I wanted it, so I told him – every detail, graphically, and vividly. He asked- what if he were actually in my bed with me at that very moment what should he be doing? He then came out of his face and told me what he wanted and what he was doing as well. I visualized him standing there with his bluetooth blinking in his ear, one hand on his hip and one lucky hand stroking his dick – which he describes since I’ve never actually seen it or him, and when he came I felt it through the phone. The exchange and ST factor (shit talking factor) by which all phone sex is generated was off the meter. Granted I didn’t know him from Adam, but damn it he put me to bed that night -and also requested an encore phone call in the morning. So no, you don’t have to be playing house with an inmate and you don’t have to be some sex deprived desperate housewife, or even lonely to have phone sex. Actually, I have taken it upon myself to become a phone sex whore. Since then I have had casual phone sex with lots of unsuspecting strangers. I have had it in the morning, the afternoon, at work, on the railroad, in my car driving, and even right in front of others – and I love it!  Special thanks to my research “team” maybe we’ll actually meet someday. Thanks to your hours of vocal foreplay – I can so effortlessly write the do’s the don’ts and everything you ever wanted to know about phone sex.

There are lots of instances where phone sex is very necessary.

Sometimes we just get horny as hell, we’re fiend-ing in the worst way and our man is…um lets just say “unavailable” for some reason or another, or he’s just out of town on business. Luckily, modern technology is there to lend a helping hand (no pun intended). We can “reach out and touch someone” the old school AT&T way or blast off a few raunchy text messages and emails; or www dot our way to any freaky fantasy our heart so desires.

Where do you begin?

By picking up the phone…duh! Ok no, the first thing you have to do is get in the mood, or allow yourself to be put in the mood. If you will be initiating the call – get horny -by any means necessary! Sometimes it is a little hard to just jump into a hot and steamy conversation without getting mentally prepared. Need inspiration? Dim the lights, pop in a porno, read a chapter of a sexy book (keep a copy of The Sex Chronicles: Shattering the Myth by Zane in your nightstand.) Bust out your favorite toy (don’t have one? First slap yourself, then go to www.adameve.com and purchase your new best friend.) Think of the wildest “sexcapade” you’ve had or wanted to have. Think of him (or her – we don’t discriminate) or whatever it is that gets you horny.

Be prepared to put your sexy voice on. (You know, the one where you take it down an octave)

Have an open mind

This is not the time to start talking about your job, his cousin, or anything distracting. Ok so, what do you say? That’s a tough one. Since everyone is different, there is no “cookie cutter” answer or no one thing that just does it for everyone. Basically, you want to start off by saying or doing something that will initiate a sexual exchange.

You can go the technical route of asking a series of questions, and getting a series of answers, i.e.; (What are you doing? Are you thinking about me? blah, blah.) Or you can just jump right into it and start moaning and groaning, making it obvious that you are playing with yourself.  When he asks what you’re doing, tell him your playing with your pussy, licking your own nipples, got your finger in the “cookie jar”, humping a pillow, etc. That will most likely spark his imagination and at the very least an interesting series of events thereafter. Hey, they say honesty is the best policy, right?

My favorite is to recall the last time you guys actually did each other (only if it was worth remembering) and then work off that. “I loved it when you did “xyz” to me, and then after I did “xyz” back to you, you came, I came, we all came it was the best “blah blah blah” ever.

(“xyz” is not an acronym, or an actual sex act. It is just my way of letting you know to insert a blank.) If you have never been with the person before, pretend or think about your last sexual encounter and replay it verbally. Use your imagination – be as creative as you want to be.

Just like reality TV, sometimes the best drama comes unscripted, and totally unrehearsed. Spontaneity and excitement are always a good combo. Think of the raunchiest, freakiest thing you want to do (or have done) and verbalize it.

Masturbate enough for the both of you. (Mentally)

Without the inhibitions of being face to face, or body image issues, this is your time to shine. A lot of times we get caught up wondering how we look, if our hair is getting messed up, if our stretch marks are showing or if our thighs are jiggling too much etc. We let our insecurities take away from the pleasure that we should be concentrating on. Say things that you wouldn’t normally say, and actually visualize it happening. Pretend you have legs like Beyonce and an ass like J-Lo. This should be very easy if you have never met him before.

Although men and women tend to differ on what they enjoy most about phone sex there is no cut and dry, one size fits all script to follow or specific rules. Typically, men really get off on hearing the sound of the woman reacting. Make lots of moans and other sounds of pleasure. Since you don’t have the visual clues to play off of, verbal cues are the key element and are very important. Sighing, yes-ing, and all that will add to the reality of the whole thing.

Play off the things that you know turn him on, and get him off. If your man has an ass obsession talk about how fat and juicy yours is and how sexy it looks in your thongs and stilettos (even if you are actually at home in old boxers and his size 4x tee). If he is into getting head, (and who isn’t?) make slurping noises, and give detailed descriptions of how hot and wet your mouth will feel on his dick. (Ok, maybe not the actual slurping noises per se.)

Remember that sex is 50% mental: take over mentally and the rest is easy because half the work is already done – get it? If you are on your job, the both of you should be having a hard time holding the phone…he should be hard as a rock and stroking it and you should be fingering yourself into oblivion. If none of these activities are happening after you initiate sex talk, then somebody isn’t doing something right (in which case hang up and call someone else.)

The good news is phone sex is worry free, risk free- but unfortunately it’s not actually “free free”, (especially if you’re on the $8 for 20 minutes jail plan) but it’s relatively cheap. Cheaper than condoms, birth control, and pampers at least. So go ahead, tap those ten digits, drop a line or two, have an orgasm (or two) and enjoy.

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Written by Tiffany Chiles