The long awaited conclusion:

You might  find this strange, or what I ended up having to do…well even stranger. I decided to give up sex all together.  ( Yeah I know, shocker). Everything had spun out of control and it seemed like I became a person that I was uncomfortable being. So, I just went cold turkey. I won’t front it was hard. It meant disposing of my porn collection,  and even cutting off some people in my circle that I knew were consisitently a bad influence. My toys…well yeah I got rid of them too. I distanced myself as far away as possible from my former lifestyle. Even watching music videos was a no no ( video chicks are hot).

I started occupying my time by joining classes for anything I could think of, joined a gym, and started playing a lot of Wii. I had a few minor relapses along the way, but nothing MAJOR.  (I think i masterbated a few times reminiscing about my lesbian daliances) All in all I spent about 8 months trying to purge my mind and re-invent myself. After about a year or so I met a guy at my gym who I started dating. He was as square and normal as they come. We had NOTHING in common, but that is what I ended up loving about him. He wasn’t a freak, into strippers, porn, and was not like most of the men I have ever dated AND he expressed no desire for a 3 some or seeing me with another chick. I was reluctant at first to divulge all my past secrets to him, so I didn’t. But the closer we got, the more I felt ok telling him my story. Not only did he understand, but he respected me and my journey to reclaim my sexuality.

I think people refer to it as being a born again virgin. I wouldn’t go that far to say that, I will say that I re-emerged from my darkest hour in a way I wouldn’t  have expected. He and I dated for months before we even had sex…another first for me. Anyway I felt my desires for normalcy come back. I wanted to be intimate with him, not just (expletive) him. It was great. The sex was phenomenal. It was he and I. No porn, no random chick, no friends watching…just me and my new boo enjoying each other.

I am not sure if I have a point to my story. No I am not gay, but I feel for a moment I was. ( and borderline psycho) Did the porn do it to me? Perhaps; but the biggest take away from my experience is that sometimes the crazyness and the fun can fuck with your mindset. It’s ok to live your life and live for the moment, but every now and then you have to step back and factor in the consequencs of your actions. Had I not changed my ways I probably would have remained some sex seeking unfilled girl who turned tricks for chicks. Just saying! Most people who are sex fiends are missing something in their life, and if they change they might just allow themselves to find the happiness they were looking for.

As for me, I am still looking for Mr. right, maybe I have him. But my sex hiatus has taught me that good things are worth waiting for.

PICKING UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF ( SO YOU HAVE TO READ PART ONE FOR THIS TO MAKE SENSE)  HER STORY CONTINUED:
I don’t know – I guess you can say I began living in fantasy land. Like most addictions, nothing was able to quench my desire to watch lesbian porn.   Naturally the porn watching led to a heavy masturbation routine. It was crazy because I was never big on ..you know the whole touching and being free with myself so it was like weird how into it I became.  I would   do it everywhere.  I was horny all day and always felt the need to relieve myself.  This led to problems with Tasha ( One of the girls I started messing with).  Confused? Let me back up.

A few months prior I broke off my relationship with my long term boyfriend Eddie, because I felt like he couldn’t fulfill my needs sexually anymore.  I only wanted to replicate what I was seeing in the videos and the images were lasting. After a few attempts of exploring women and bringing them home to be with us, I realized that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him, or any man anymore because my desires had become abnormal.   I started dealing with chicks that I met drunk in the club bathroom who had let me cop a feel; and usually we hooked up immediately.  Like we would go to my place or a motel or wherever just to get off.  I loved it, because I felt powerful, sexy, and in control just like these porno chicks.  Tasha was a bit different though.  She took what we were doing very seriously ( like we were a couple) and started tripping when she would come to my place and catch me naked on the couch with a vibrator in hand watching a hot girl on girl on girl scene.  A lot of times she would accuse me of cheating, of not thinking she was sexy enough and I felt bad for her.  It was true though I desired what I saw in front of me…the illusion more than her.   Desperate to keep my focus solely on her she attempted to throw away my movies, and hide my laptop from me so I couldn’t download anything.  Sounds familiar right?  Well anyway I had to break it off with her too.  Word to the wise never cross a lesbian…she ended up breaking my flat screen TV and breaking the heels off my Louboutins.

Over the next 3 months or so I began going online  to find fellow freaks and hooking up with swingers, going to all girl parties, and pretty much lived this crazy wild existence of drinking and wild orgies.  I did things that were definitely movie worthy and I seemed to be having the time of my life.  Elaine, the cleaning lady who was an older Spanish woman at my job was into girls too and she and I started fooling around daily.  Unfortunately  though, I was fired – well actually Elaine and I were both fired  from the  job after we were caught having sex in my boss’s office, ( thought he left for the day). That bastard was a bitch ass for copping a plea after his secretary walked in while  Elaine was sucking his dick!   Honestly I think she ( his secretary) was just mad because she apparently fucked him too.  Anyway she threatened to involve his wife and the big boss so Elaine and I took the “L” because we were busted wet handed.   The worst part was I didn’t even find anything wrong with it.  It was hot and sexy….just like the porn images that were indelibly etched in my head.  With a smirk I gladly packed my things and left …I am not sure what happened to Elaine  – probably got deported or something.

Pretty soon after  I got a barmaid  gig  at a bar downtown. It wasn’t what I went to school for but  the pay was decent and the hours left me plenty of time to indulge myself.   All that was required was that rocked a low cut shirt that showed my boobs and applied tons of lipgloss.  I’ll never forget this one night a scruffy looking white man approached me about working for him.  He was a video producer and asked if I would be interested in doing adult work.  I thought all my prayers had been answered and that I’d finally be able to do what I love all day everyday.  It sounded too good to be true!  Sex all day  – and get paid more than what I was making at my bar job!  With very little hesitation I agreed, signed a few release forms and had a date 3 days later to do my first porn! It was gong to be at a large rented mansion in New Jersey.   The only problem was that he wanted me to do a guy on girl scene, and not girl on  girl like I wanted.  He said “people pay more for seeing dick in pussy.”

Now this changed everything,  I read the “script” and at the last minute convinced myself that I was a  lesbian and not a good actress, I backed out.

The thing about masturbating so much is that it makes you a selfish lover.  Makes you only focused on your needs and it’s like Fuck everyone else as long as you get yours.  Nobody could please me now but me.  Some nights there would be 4 different girls licking my pussy and I still couldn’t come.  I felt so alone and so distanced from everyone.  It was not the way I envisioned my life.  A few years ago if you had asked me, I’d tell you that after college and my professional career had jumped off that I would marry Mr. Right, move south, and live happily ever after.  My reality was the complete opposite.  I was 27 with no boyfriend, no job, no happiness, and no peace of mind.  I was ashamed to communicate with my old friends because they would wonder what the hell happened to me.  My family was back home in Michigan and had no idea about my newfound lifestyle.   I tried countless more times to enjoy sex again, but couldn’t  – the women, the porn…I began to be annoyed by it all.  Now it was clear all along my problem was mental.  If I didn’t enjoy men, or women…what was I supposed to do besides masturbate myself into an oblivion?  I hit rock bottom for real this time.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Ok, so my friend from college is obsessed with porn and apparently now a lesbian.  One visit to her place and I felt like I was in a throwback xxx video store.  We are cool and all that, but I was a little thrown off by her  new found habits and coming out the closet etc. etc. (we used to date the same guy)   but once I asked her to explain it to me it  all made sense. (sorta)  You gotta hear her story:

A few years ago I dated a man obsessed – I mean Obsessed with porn.  He would have tons of movies lying around his living room and on his kitchen table, in the bathroom, everywhere.  I am not going to front and say I had no issues, because clearly I had a bit of an issue about it.  I don’t know if it was because I felt that his over watching other naked women took away from me, or if  I felt that it was a form of cheating…all I know is that it bothered me tremendously.  So I confronted him about it.  He said watching porn is more of a form of “entertainment” to him and helped him learn how to “please” (me) better.  Yeah sounded like BS but it earned him brownie points for the best way to BS out of a serious conversation.

Still unhappy, I forged a sinister attempt to steal his favorite titles and take them to my crib for “safe keeping”.  One lonely rainy evening curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to watch a few to see what the big deal was.   I spent the next few days watching the best of his collection without him realizing that I had them in my possession.

What transpired next is somewhat confusing.  Determined to find the wrong in what I was watching, I was surprisingly “interested”.  My interest turned into a minor addiction of my own.  A total fascination because I hated the thought of porn so much that I began to love it.  (Psychological thing)  I started taking more of his movies, downloading some of my own, and ordering them on demand any chance I could get.  He had a thing for lesbian porn, so naturally I started really getting into that too.  It got to where I thought about porn all day, and couldn’t focus on my work, my friends, anything.  One night after gong to the club in the city and drinking all night I made out with a girl at the bar and we ended up taking her back to Brooklyn with us.  We had a threesome but in my mind I was acting out what I had seen in one of the movies and it was the best sex of my life.  Mainly though because of her.  We all continued to mess around but I ended up breaking up with him because he couldn’t do it for me anymore.  No man or women could.  It had to be more than one woman, or a woman and a man – just like the movies.  It’s ironic because He had been the one to turn me on to all these freaky movies and ménages and as a result I couldn’t have “regular sex” anymore.  And what he claimed was to help him “please me better” ended up making me resent him. Next I started avoiding men all together.    I started to get worried because in order to even get wet I’d have to think about a scene I just watched.  I felt like no man could satisfy me and basically that all men were sex obsessed dogs. In actuality I had just become so turned off by men because of my ex always watching porn that I subconsciously started to only be attracted to women.   So my porn watching continued and my collection grew and things just escalated.

TO BE CONTINUED…

This is the true story of Erica and Joey two successful professional African Americans living in Washington, DC

*Erica ( 26) dated * Joey (29) for about 2 months before they even had sex. (An accomplishment for both of them).  They went out to dinner, the movies, spent weekends together, and spoke about everything – well almost everything.  Finally after 8 long weeks, on her birthday, she decided the time was right and decided to consummate their dating.

For the next couple of weeks they enjoyed long nights of eating, drinking, and off the hook sex.  One particular time the condom broke.  Another time, it “fell off”. Shortly after she noticed a pattern started to develop, but she didn’t confront him about it.  It seemed like every time they had sex, he would either refuse to wear a condom, or the condom would mysteriously “fall off”.  Falling deeper and deeper for this man, Erica decided she would have a talk with one of her girlfriends and come up with a way to confront Joey about it.  He seemed like a cool dude, and he just got out of a long term relationship so she wasn’t the least bit concerned about disease, plus he was a professional hard working man. If anything she feared she might get pregnant since birth control is only 99% effective.

“You better get it together girl, that shit is not cute, or safe.  You don’t know what he has and you need to tell him he better use a condom or no coochie for him.”  Her worried friends tried to school her, but still she felt that if she confronted him about the situation, he would think she didn’t trust him.   So she ignored the situation.

2 more months elapsed and Erica had not had the talk with Joey.  As far as Erica was concerned they were in a committed relationship and there was no need to discuss STD’s.  She was only sleeping with him.   The next week in the middle of a phone conversation, Erica casually mentioned to Joey that she is glad that they are finally a couple.  Joey seemed shocked by this comment, “Nah, we are just kicking it he said”.  What do you mean just kicking it? “ Erica I told you months ago I wasn’t ready for a relationship, yeah we have fun together but I don’t consider us a couple, I thought we were just friends.”    Joey, are you serious, we’ve been fucking each other for months, raw at that, are you saying you are with other chicks?  Joey was un phased by her outrage.  In fact he saw nothing wrong with having unprotected sex with Erica and countless others.  Erica’s naivety and displaced trust in this “stranger” led her to believe, that he was only having sex with her, when in fact he was sexing several other women without protection.

7 months later, Erica gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  4 months prior Erica was diagnosed as being HIV positive. Fortunately the baby did not inherit the disease.  Unfortunately Erica has to deal with being a single Mother/ African American HIV positive woman.  All of her dreams may not be realized. And her life will be unnecessarily cut short.

She was too afraid to ask Joey if he had been tested.  She assumed that because of his nice, kind, and innocent demeanor and since he had mentioned that he had gotten out of a long-term relationship he was “safe”.  She didn’t want to hurt his feelings.   She ignored common sense, and the advice or her friends.  All because out of all the time they spent together talking, they never had THIS TALK.

The moral of this story is use common sense. Always use condoms. Don’t assume anything.  A formal conversation regarding when your last tests were taken, and what the status of your relationship is is imperative.   You must get tested for STD’s and HIV.  Next time, before you think about having unprotected sex with someone you might want to ask ….rather, insist that  you have “The Talk”

The rate of African American women getting infected with HIV has increased by 25% over the last 5 years.  We are becoming the largest infected group in the U.S. to contract the deadly virus.  AIDS is real. There is nothing, nobody, or no feeling worth dying for.

Fellas- let’s make this real simple for you – we all lie about how many men we have “slept” with.

You’ll probably never know the real number of sexual partners your woman has had.  You want the truth, but face it, you can’t handle the truth! We know this, therefore when asked the dreaded “How many?”  We know to lie, lie & lie some more.

If we say 5 …we meant 20.  If we say 2 we meant 8, and if we say you’re our first…that just means we can’t remember any of their names.

Not to blow up spots but the general rule of thumb is- take the number she admits to and double it, and that gives you  about half of the real number…maybe.

Why would women feel the need to lie about their sex lives?

Well…

• If we tell the truth you might think we’re a hoe and HELLO! We all know the old adage  – “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife” ( not to say we want to be a house wife, or any other kind of wife anyway but still)
• You thought we were so sweet and innocent, we don’t want to burst your bubble.
• Maybe I’m a tad bit ashamed… I lost count after 22 years old and 30 men (Yeah it was back in college, in the back of the car, or back in the day, but just maybe I would rather forget that shit even happened)

• If you knew the real number you’d know I was lying when I said you were the “best”, the “biggest”, the “only one I let put his dick in mouth”, etc. etc.
• Honesty might be the best policy – but sometimes the truth hurts.  We are trying to protect your ego.

Most men say they want a woman with some experience, but they don’t want to feel like she’s got more miles on her then his SUV.  This is probably the main reason we women lie.

Women often try to justify their distortions. Some women use very complicated personal rules, like, ‘It doesn’t count because I only had sex with him once,’ ‘I don’t really remember that guy that well, so he’s off the list,’ ‘I was drunk, so he doesn’t count,’” and the list goes on… we had a long enough list to take up 8 pages …Here are our favorites.

Reasons not to count a sexual partner, and other legal rules and clauses (some might actually hold up in a court of law)

1.    The sex was trash

2.    It was only anal or only oral (what exactly classifies as “sex” anyway?)

3.    It was a one night stand

4.    Your mother had a baby by him

5.    You don’t know his name (first, last, or nick)

6.    It was a quickie ( 10 minute rule in effect – anything less doesn’t count)

7.    It happened on a ski trip, Vegas, All Star Weekend or Spring break ( what happens there stays there, you’re not supposed to remember anything)

8.    You were drinking, drunk, smoking, or taking “something”

9.   You  subtract one fuck buddy by default every 4 years

10. Your number of sexual partners is more than double your age

11. You don’t remember

12. He’s not a known actor, celebrity, or even remotely “cool”.

13. He is a she- licking coochie is not “intercourse”

14. The dude was someone no one knows and no one can ever find out

15. He’s dead

16. Anyone besides your husband after you are married

17. If you fucked more then one person in 24 hours or less it counts as an incident; there is no need for you to count each individual

18. If you moved out of state – clean slate!

19. I didn’t come!

20. If you become a born again virgin- your past sexual relations can be deleted from your memory (I usually become born again every 6 months or so.)

21. He only put the head in

22. He didn’t come in me ( mouths, and anus’s don’t count as “in”)

23. Did I mention I DIDN’T FUCKING COME!

24. He wore a condom – so like there was really no contact

25. The dick was little – almost like it never even went in.

26. Slept with? – We didn’t sleep at all

27.  the record label shelved his second album – as if I’d dare admit to fucking his  non label having ass

28. Anyone done before the age of 21- you didn’t know what you were doing

29. The lights were off, so technically you have no confirmation if anything actually happened or not.

30. You slipped and fell on it.

Which would you rather, a phat ass accompanied by a not so flat stomach, or a smaller booty and tighter everything else?  Surprisingly so, most of the ladies I posed the question to absolutely would rather have the ass.    This brings me to another point; remember the lyrics to “Baby Got Back”?  They specifically state the qualifications as “an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face”  Hello people, no mention of a jiggly belly, or thunder thighs anywhere.  To have the ass is not enough.   So I started asking guys their preference.  Here’s where it got funky.  The majority said that for wifey the ass didn’t have to be phat but the face had to be pretty.  The jump off, however, had to have an ass to die for (well at least to risk being caught by wifey for).

I often think that in this day and age where booty injections are only about a pay check away, the genuity has been taken away from the ass.  Like seriously, anyone can have one.  Wouldn’t it be better to venture above the neck and actually check out a few facial features?  I’m just sayin… faces are good for some things too.  (wink)

In a perfect world nobody would have to choose.  We’d all look like Halle with Serena’s behind.  Anyway, I am anxious to hear you guys and girls sound off.

Fellas if you could only choose one would you go for the big bootied make you say daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn   its so juicy but  unfortunately not so cute chick, or the dime face, with the “flattie”?

And Ladies if you can only have either or, which would you rather be blessed with?  Stunning looks or big booty?

As I passed the aforementioned co-worker on my way out to my date he asked where I was going, want to grab a pizza he asked I’m on my way out.  No, I’m good I replied, and actually I have plans I’m headed to Uncle Jacks.  “Oh with your boo” he asked, no boo, I replied some dude I met yesterday on out in the park.  “Some dude’?  Yeah but It’s not a date.  We’re just going to grab lunch; it’s a NON date I joked, just a friendly meeting to mutually indulge in good food.  LOL.  Whatever J…enjoy your non date. Thanks I will, he seems like a cool dude.

Lunch went pretty well, no clear and present agenda’s no mention of “hooking up” or anything extra.  I was really impressed.  This was a complete gentleman.  He used his utensils properly, washed his hands before grabbing the bread on the table, and insisted on pulling chairs, opening doors, and walking on the outside of the sidewalk.  Great, I thought. I just might have met a new lunch buddy.  Nothing beats great food and conversation.  On “cloud nine” and in an obvious good mood, I headed back to the office where I again ran into my coworker. “How was your date?”  It wasn’t a date, I replied, “Oh my bad your non date.”  It was great!  He was a perfect gentleman, and the food was fabulous. I think I found a new friend.  “Friend?  Please! They just wanna fuck you!”

Um excuse me, that is not true, this one was different, he didn’t mention anything sexual, he didn’t …nah it wasn’t like that trust me.  He just wants to get to know me that’s all.  “YOU gotta be kidding me.  You seriously believe that this dude saw you outside on the street, stopped you and approached you only to take YOU to lunch and get to know you? Nope.  That’s not how it works.  He just wants to fuck you.”

Part of me wanted to believe he was just being a hater, but somewhere in the back of my mind what my co-worker said resonated in my thoughts for the next few hours.  Maybe he was right.  Maybe lunch, dinner, drinks are all preludes to some modern day mating ritual.  Maybe all he wanted to do was Fuck me.  Well there was only one way to find out.

Over the next few days I pondered how I would get my answer once and for all.  I decided to just come straight out and ask him face to face on our next non-date.  Nah, that won’t work I thought.  So I figured I’d wait for the tell tale signs.  First he’d ask me out to dinner or drinks and not lunch.  Second he’d try to get me drunk, and third he’d suggest leaving the restaurant ….to go somewhere.

Fast forward and everything that I thought would go down went down.  Dinner drinks, and “why don’t I take you home?”  AHA!!  I thought. I cracked the case!  So I looked at him as he was parked in front of my house and as boldly as I could I said  “YOU just want to FUCK me right?”

The look of straight up aggravation in his eyes caught me off guard.  “WHAT”?  He said.  “Wanna fuck you? If that’s all I wanted to do I would have just said so hours ago.”

“Oh so you don’t wanna FUCK me?”  I asked -now confused.

The answer was yes, but no.  Yes he did, but not that moment.  Not while I was drunk, and not before he knew about me, spent some time with me, and decided I wasn’t a random hoochie.

I learned that night that not everybody wants you so fast that you don’t remember that good men will want to get to know you, that a good woman will ask, and that no not everybody just wants to FUCK …

*There is no sign on the restaurant that says couples only.  Grab your besties and for go dinner girlfriend style.

*Get a fresh new hair-do. He liked it when you kept your hair long, but who cares what he prefers, he’s a non-factor now. Get a new style that will turn heads and compliment your new attitude.

*Take a class. (Salsa dancing, Swimming, Voice Lessons) You need to keep your mind positively occupied.  Learn something new, or practice an old hobby. Without him around you have more YOU time.

*Work it out. Don’t drown your sorrows in Doritos.  You will only end up getting fat and feeling lousy. Take out all of your frustrations at the gym where kicking and punching are encouraged. Thank us later.

*Spend more time with your family. They’ve most likely been neglected when he was around. Make brunch reservations with your Mom, Aunties, and Sisters. Family is always there to make you feel better.

*Get to know what you like to do and do it. So much time was wasted trying to be just right for you know who, but without you know who, it’s all you, boo.

*Have a spa day. Rejuvenate your physical appearance and reward yourself for all you have accomplished thus far. Facials will have your skin looking just right and the perfect mani/ pedi can brighten even the darkest of days.

*Date yourself. That’s right date night minus the plus one is just as much fun. Who knows whom you might end up meeting along the way. You might not even end up going home alone (wink).

*Plan for your future. Reevaluate your finances and set future financial goals. There is nothing better than a woman who “got her own.”

*Get a new signature scent. Old scents can remind us  of past people, places, and things. Try a new scent for the new you. Something light and fresh, or spicy and sweet will have you feeling like the sexiest woman alive.

*Don’t think you will never find Mr. Right. He will come, but don’t sit at home waiting for him. Take the opportunity to identify the qualities that you want and don’t want in your next relationship.

*Remember life is transitional. Every phase in life is needed in order to get to the next phase. Enjoy being who you are everyday. Positive energy can weather any storm.

In the meantime Carpe Diem and get your single, sexy, swagger on!

The other night I had phone sex. I mean straight crazy, ridiculous phone sex with a complete stranger. Ok, so he was not a “complete” stranger; but I didn’t know what he looked like or his last name. I didn’t really know shit about him nor did I care. We were talking…vibe-ing, as he put it, and one thing led to another. I actually thought we were ending the conversation and that I was going to bed when he just came straight out and demanded that I started playing with myself. Damn I thought: “I don’t know this cat, I’m tired, and I really shouldn’t, but fuck it!” I’m going to just see where this goes. Worst-case scenario, I’ll use my toys, get off and cum my way into la- la land.

I started off by pulling “something” out of my night table (every day either starts or ends that way.) He wanted to hear it, so I let him hear it. I let my favorite toy vibrate on the receiver of the phone for a second and then I put it back where it worked best- between my legs. He wanted to know what I was doing, so I told him. He wanted to know how I wanted it, so I told him – every detail, graphically, and vividly. He asked- what if he were actually in my bed with me at that very moment what should he be doing? He then came out of his face and told me what he wanted and what he was doing as well. I visualized him standing there with his bluetooth blinking in his ear, one hand on his hip and one lucky hand stroking his dick – which he describes since I’ve never actually seen it or him, and when he came I felt it through the phone. The exchange and ST factor (shit talking factor) by which all phone sex is generated was off the meter. Granted I didn’t know him from Adam, but damn it he put me to bed that night -and also requested an encore phone call in the morning. So no, you don’t have to be playing house with an inmate and you don’t have to be some sex deprived desperate housewife, or even lonely to have phone sex. Actually, I have taken it upon myself to become a phone sex whore. Since then I have had casual phone sex with lots of unsuspecting strangers. I have had it in the morning, the afternoon, at work, on the railroad, in my car driving, and even right in front of others – and I love it!  Special thanks to my research “team” maybe we’ll actually meet someday. Thanks to your hours of vocal foreplay – I can so effortlessly write the do’s the don’ts and everything you ever wanted to know about phone sex.

There are lots of instances where phone sex is very necessary.

Sometimes we just get horny as hell, we’re fiend-ing in the worst way and our man is…um lets just say “unavailable” for some reason or another, or he’s just out of town on business. Luckily, modern technology is there to lend a helping hand (no pun intended). We can “reach out and touch someone” the old school AT&T way or blast off a few raunchy text messages and emails; or www dot our way to any freaky fantasy our heart so desires.

Where do you begin?

By picking up the phone…duh! Ok no, the first thing you have to do is get in the mood, or allow yourself to be put in the mood. If you will be initiating the call – get horny -by any means necessary! Sometimes it is a little hard to just jump into a hot and steamy conversation without getting mentally prepared. Need inspiration? Dim the lights, pop in a porno, read a chapter of a sexy book (keep a copy of The Sex Chronicles: Shattering the Myth by Zane in your nightstand.) Bust out your favorite toy (don’t have one? First slap yourself, then go to www.adameve.com and purchase your new best friend.) Think of the wildest “sexcapade” you’ve had or wanted to have. Think of him (or her – we don’t discriminate) or whatever it is that gets you horny.

Be prepared to put your sexy voice on. (You know, the one where you take it down an octave)

Have an open mind

This is not the time to start talking about your job, his cousin, or anything distracting. Ok so, what do you say? That’s a tough one. Since everyone is different, there is no “cookie cutter” answer or no one thing that just does it for everyone. Basically, you want to start off by saying or doing something that will initiate a sexual exchange.

You can go the technical route of asking a series of questions, and getting a series of answers, i.e.; (What are you doing? Are you thinking about me? blah, blah.) Or you can just jump right into it and start moaning and groaning, making it obvious that you are playing with yourself.  When he asks what you’re doing, tell him your playing with your pussy, licking your own nipples, got your finger in the “cookie jar”, humping a pillow, etc. That will most likely spark his imagination and at the very least an interesting series of events thereafter. Hey, they say honesty is the best policy, right?

My favorite is to recall the last time you guys actually did each other (only if it was worth remembering) and then work off that. “I loved it when you did “xyz” to me, and then after I did “xyz” back to you, you came, I came, we all came it was the best “blah blah blah” ever.

(”xyz” is not an acronym, or an actual sex act. It is just my way of letting you know to insert a blank.) If you have never been with the person before, pretend or think about your last sexual encounter and replay it verbally. Use your imagination – be as creative as you want to be.

Just like reality TV, sometimes the best drama comes unscripted, and totally unrehearsed. Spontaneity and excitement are always a good combo. Think of the raunchiest, freakiest thing you want to do (or have done) and verbalize it.

Masturbate enough for the both of you. (Mentally)

Without the inhibitions of being face to face, or body image issues, this is your time to shine. A lot of times we get caught up wondering how we look, if our hair is getting messed up, if our stretch marks are showing or if our thighs are jiggling too much etc. We let our insecurities take away from the pleasure that we should be concentrating on. Say things that you wouldn’t normally say, and actually visualize it happening. Pretend you have legs like Beyonce and an ass like J-Lo. This should be very easy if you have never met him before.

Although men and women tend to differ on what they enjoy most about phone sex there is no cut and dry, one size fits all script to follow or specific rules. Typically, men really get off on hearing the sound of the woman reacting. Make lots of moans and other sounds of pleasure. Since you don’t have the visual clues to play off of, verbal cues are the key element and are very important. Sighing, yes-ing, and all that will add to the reality of the whole thing.

Play off the things that you know turn him on, and get him off. If your man has an ass obsession talk about how fat and juicy yours is and how sexy it looks in your thongs and stilettos (even if you are actually at home in old boxers and his size 4x tee). If he is into getting head, (and who isn’t?) make slurping noises, and give detailed descriptions of how hot and wet your mouth will feel on his dick. (Ok, maybe not the actual slurping noises per se.)

Remember that sex is 50% mental: take over mentally and the rest is easy because half the work is already done – get it? If you are on your job, the both of you should be having a hard time holding the phone…he should be hard as a rock and stroking it and you should be fingering yourself into oblivion. If none of these activities are happening after you initiate sex talk, then somebody isn’t doing something right (in which case hang up and call someone else.)

The good news is phone sex is worry free, risk free- but unfortunately it’s not actually “free free”, (especially if you’re on the $8 for 20 minutes jail plan) but it’s relatively cheap. Cheaper than condoms, birth control, and pampers at least. So go ahead, tap those ten digits, drop a line or two, have an orgasm (or two) and enjoy.