Can Watching Porn Make You Gay? Part 2

ADDICTED TO PORN – PART DEUX

PICKING UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF ( SO YOU HAVE TO READ PART ONE FOR THIS TO MAKE SENSE)  HER STORY CONTINUED:
I don’t know – I guess you can say I began living in fantasy land. Like most addictions, nothing was able to quench my desire to watch lesbian porn.   Naturally the porn watching led to a heavy masturbation routine. It was crazy because I was never big on ..you know the whole touching and being free with myself so it was like weird how into it I became.  I would   do it everywhere.  I was horny all day and always felt the need to relieve myself.  This led to problems with Tasha ( One of the girls I started messing with).  Confused? Let me back up.

A few months prior I broke off my relationship with my long term boyfriend Eddie, because I felt like he couldn’t fulfill my needs sexually anymore.  I only wanted to replicate what I was seeing in the videos and the images were lasting. After a few attempts of exploring women and bringing them home to be with us, I realized that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him, or any man anymore because my desires had become abnormal.   I started dealing with chicks that I met drunk in the club bathroom who had let me cop a feel; and usually we hooked up immediately.  Like we would go to my place or a motel or wherever just to get off.  I loved it, because I felt powerful, sexy, and in control just like these porno chicks.  Tasha was a bit different though.  She took what we were doing very seriously ( like we were a couple) and started tripping when she would come to my place and catch me naked on the couch with a vibrator in hand watching a hot girl on girl on girl scene.  A lot of times she would accuse me of cheating, of not thinking she was sexy enough and I felt bad for her.  It was true though I desired what I saw in front of me…the illusion more than her.   Desperate to keep my focus solely on her she attempted to throw away my movies, and hide my laptop from me so I couldn’t download anything.  Sounds familiar right?  Well anyway I had to break it off with her too.  Word to the wise never cross a lesbian…she ended up breaking my flat screen TV and breaking the heels off my Louboutins.

Over the next 3 months or so I began going online  to find fellow freaks and hooking up with swingers, going to all girl parties, and pretty much lived this crazy wild existence of drinking and wild orgies.  I did things that were definitely movie worthy and I seemed to be having the time of my life.  Elaine, the cleaning lady who was an older Spanish woman at my job was into girls too and she and I started fooling around daily.  Unfortunately  though, I was fired – well actually Elaine and I were both fired  from the  job after we were caught having sex in my boss’s office, ( thought he left for the day). That bastard was a bitch ass for copping a plea after his secretary walked in while  Elaine was sucking his dick!   Honestly I think she ( his secretary) was just mad because she apparently fucked him too.  Anyway she threatened to involve his wife and the big boss so Elaine and I took the “L” because we were busted wet handed.   The worst part was I didn’t even find anything wrong with it.  It was hot and sexy….just like the porn images that were indelibly etched in my head.  With a smirk I gladly packed my things and left …I am not sure what happened to Elaine  – probably got deported or something.

Pretty soon after  I got a barmaid  gig  at a bar downtown. It wasn’t what I went to school for but  the pay was decent and the hours left me plenty of time to indulge myself.   All that was required was that rocked a low cut shirt that showed my boobs and applied tons of lipgloss.  I’ll never forget this one night a scruffy looking white man approached me about working for him.  He was a video producer and asked if I would be interested in doing adult work.  I thought all my prayers had been answered and that I’d finally be able to do what I love all day everyday.  It sounded too good to be true!  Sex all day  – and get paid more than what I was making at my bar job!  With very little hesitation I agreed, signed a few release forms and had a date 3 days later to do my first porn! It was gong to be at a large rented mansion in New Jersey.   The only problem was that he wanted me to do a guy on girl scene, and not girl on  girl like I wanted.  He said “people pay more for seeing dick in pussy.”

Now this changed everything,  I read the “script” and at the last minute convinced myself that I was a  lesbian and not a good actress, I backed out.

The thing about masturbating so much is that it makes you a selfish lover.  Makes you only focused on your needs and it’s like Fuck everyone else as long as you get yours.  Nobody could please me now but me.  Some nights there would be 4 different girls licking my pussy and I still couldn’t come.  I felt so alone and so distanced from everyone.  It was not the way I envisioned my life.  A few years ago if you had asked me, I’d tell you that after college and my professional career had jumped off that I would marry Mr. Right, move south, and live happily ever after.  My reality was the complete opposite.  I was 27 with no boyfriend, no job, no happiness, and no peace of mind.  I was ashamed to communicate with my old friends because they would wonder what the hell happened to me.  My family was back home in Michigan and had no idea about my newfound lifestyle.   I tried countless more times to enjoy sex again, but couldn’t  – the women, the porn…I began to be annoyed by it all.  Now it was clear all along my problem was mental.  If I didn’t enjoy men, or women…what was I supposed to do besides masturbate myself into an oblivion?  I hit rock bottom for real this time.

TO BE CONTINUED…